This weekend is the weekend I have to do Christmas with my mom. In deciding whether to take the train or to fly, I eventually decided to fly since it was just barely cheap enough to make it worth it to me for the amount of time I expected to be in Bakersfield, which was about 1.5 days. I, like probably many people, still think of buying an airline ticket as a guarantee of travel. Not that they guarantee that you’ll get there on time, but that if something does go wrong they will compensate you. Most people choose their flight times for good reasons, either because they have a connection, because they have a limited time to spend where they’re going, etc. So when I buy a ticket, I think of going at a different time as something that should be compensated. That, apparently, is where United and I disagree. My flight was cancelled due to mechanical problems, but not before they let us board, did the whole pre-flight routine, then told us to get off and wait, which we did for about 30 minutes before they told us that it was cancelled.

To be fair, I suspect United is not alone in this, and that most domestic airlines including United share Delta’s motto according to Ze Frank: “Go Fuck Yourself”. If I were to value my time according to how much I get paid at work, and take into account that my taxi would be unnecessary later in the day since I can take BART, I’d say United owes me about $150 bucks for wasting my time, which is incidentally what they wanted me to pay them to change my return flight to a day later since I’ll now be spending less than 24 hours in Bakersfield.

I propose that United and the other airlines get together to dispel this myth of timely, courteous, and guaranteed travel with a marketing campaign designed to educate consumers about the realities of flying in the United States. Some of their key slogans might be:

  • Home for the holidays, maybe
  • Come fly the friendly skies, only to be told to go home
  • Super savings, so long as you don’t mind being our bitch
  • Customer service is our #284298212 priority

Something along those lines would really be a major step in the direction toward truth in advertising.